Monday, December 19, 2022

Unlike any Christmas past

 It's almost unrecognizable.

Christmas, 2022, that is.

We're doing a dual celebration, for one thing. Erica and Andy will be in the Caribbean on their honeymoon for Christmas this year, so we held our family get-together yesterday, the 18th. Not that unusual, since they've been in Florida at Andy's folks for the past three years anyway.

We're minus Chris for the first time in 25 years. I for one felt his absence, a son-in-law who destroyed his life and his family with the decision to use drugs. So his place at the table was conspicuously absent.

Then there was the menu.

For as long as I can remember, long before we moved to Burlington County in 1989, long before my first marriage broke up in 1977, my prize lasagna was the centerpiece of the Christmas dinner table. 

This year, on orders from my daughters and Howard, I was not able to cook. Recovering from surgery meant "resting," while the kitchen was commandeered by the girls and Andy. We had a delicious dinner: salmon with sauces Terri invented, risotto, cilantro rice and asparagus. All favorites. All expertly prepared. All utterly foreign to a Christmas dinner at my house.

Andy made a scrumptious Hershey chocolate cake for dessert, which capped it all off. Miranda and her partner Tatiana cleared the table; Howard washed dishes, loaded the dishwasher and Nate, under some pressure from Andy, dried. I don't think Adela contributed in any way other than with her beautiful presence and occasional smile.

It was all over; the kids were gone by 8:30. We'd already agreed not to gift one another this year. Instead we contributed to Erica's French Club project of providing families of patients at St. Christopher's Hospital with wish list items. After all, we have everything we need and, according to the grandkids, Christmas shopping is simply too stressful. 

On Christmas Eve, weather permitting (and that's questionable as a huge storm is threatening), we'll take the ride up to Terri's and spend some time with her and the grands. Just the five of us. No gifts, no lasagna, not much resembling the Christmases I've spent for the past 80 years. 

I suppose change is good, but why does this one make me want to cry?

Monday, November 21, 2022

Looking at the past

 My cousin Mary Lou is moving out of the house she's lived in almost all her life.

Oh, for a lot of years, she and her husband were raising their five children in another part of town, but when my aunt and uncle passed, they moved into the stately white Colonial with the fantastically beautiful side and back yard.

Age has made it difficult to maintain the big house with its flights of stairs. So, like so many of us, they decided to move to a more convenient home.

In the process of packing, Mary Lou found two photo albums in the attic, both having belonged to my mother. I didn't ask how they got into her house; I was just grateful to have them. 

Obviously, my mother had included in that album photos once belonging to her parents and their friends. Very old pictures of people from the "old country," Italy, professionally taken and formatted like postcards, to be sent to the family in the U.S. Some had inscriptions on the back, even names in a few cases, but most were just photos. After all, the family knew who they were...no need to label them for anyone else.

Except now there isn't anyone left to tell us who those people might be. How did they fit into the family? Did they have ancestors here in the States who might want to see or even own those photos?

I've been mildly obsessing over the pictures since I brought the albums home, sat at my dining room table with an Xacto knife and carefully removed them from the crumbling black pages on which they were fastened with those little black sticky corners that left scars when they were removed.

Hours have been spent fussing with the pictures. I've scanned them into my computer, looked up some of the family history I've shared with cousins and come up with a fair idea of who the folks were. I've already sent some of the originals to one cousin in California so she can show her grandchildren their great-grandmother as an infant, a little girl, a sober-eyed secretary in her working suit standing in front of her car.

Now I'm trying to locate relatives of some of the others, those unsmiling, serious people in the photos from Italy, the men, women and children in group photos, some of whom I recognize, most of whom I don't. 

With surgery coming up in a week, I've found this to be a distracting pastime. I hope to be able to keep at it as I recover, searching the internet for information about a lost relative to whom to send photos they surely don't even know exist.

Lesson here: go through all the photos I have in envelopes, boxes and albums. Make sure they are carefully labeled. Save someone the task of investigating to find their real homes. Do the family a favor while my memory is still fresh.


Saturday, November 19, 2022

No rest for the anxious mind

 The surgery is coming up fast.

And so far I've done a fairly good job of putting my worries somewhere in the back of my mind, sleeping well, not obsessing over what's to come.

At least until Thursday.

When the ringing phone indicated the call was from Virtua Health, of course I took it. What could they want? I've had all the tests and everything's just on hold until the 29th.

Wrong.

The sweet person on the other end of the call, Gwen, she said her name was, called to get the pre-admission questionnaire completed. It would only take about ten or fifteen minutes, she said. 

So we went through all my past medical history, the meds I take and when I take them and then she got down to the nitty-gritty.

I'm to arrive at 8:30 a.m., go to the surgery admissions desk and say goodbye to my husband, then expect to spend two hours being prepped. Dr. Deger has reserved the surgical suite for 3 1/2 hours, she said, although he might not need that much time. An hour and a half in the recovery room, then to wherever I light for the night, at which time my hubby and kids can come up and say hi. I'll be groggy, she said, and not very good company, so they probably won't stay long...just enough to reassure themselves I'm really okay. I will then sleep, or at least as well as one can sleep in a hospital setting.

You see, the problem is, I feel fine. I have no symptoms of this thing that's lurking on my ovary where it doesn't belong. I'm not overly tired; I have no pain. So the notion of a surgeon slicing holes in my abdomen or worse, making an incision there, doesn't jibe with how I feel. I'm actually going to inflict pain on myself just to get better when I don't feel ill at all. Huh?

Anyway, it's really going to happen. I'm certain I don't have cancer, but there will still be a recovery period and lost time so close to Christmas. I'll decorate the house the weekend after Thanksgiving, but no tree this year. Little Selma poses too great a threat to hanging ornaments and we have no idea how she will react to the blinking lights, so we'll pass this year and wait until next. But the wreaths and household decorations will go up early so I can enjoy them when I get home.

It was going well and I wasn't thinking about the 29th more than a couple times a day. Now it's there way too much. Sigh.

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

When life changes in an instant

 Whenever anything of merit happens in my life, my first instinct has always been to write about it.

Writing to me is a cathartic exercise, guaranteed to make me think carefully, choose the right words and put on paper my feelings, however mixed or confusing.

There is no confusion now. On the 29th of November, I'll be having surgery. Who would have thought it?

Just a routine visit on Halloween (how ironic!) to check on some discomfort I'd been having. My excellent primary care physician fit me in the day I called. Then, after some probing questions and an exam, he sent me for a CT scan. The order simply said "Stat."

We read the report together 20 minutes later. A mass was spotted on my left ovary. The doctor ordered an ultrasound for the next day. When that report came in, he called me at home to discuss the finding. Obviously, another opinion was needed, that of a gynecologic oncologist, and he gave me some names from which to choose. Doctors to whom he would send his wife, he said. He's comforting that way.

So yesterday, after a weekend that seemed to stretch for a very long time, Howard and I sat in the office of Dr. Randolph Deger. I'd read his credentials and patient reviews and decided he would be my choice to help me deal with whatever is ahead.

We were with him for an hour. He ordered new studies with greater accuracy to help him "see" what we're up against. He did an internal exam and felt the thing, about three and a half inches in size, that's lurking where it doesn't belong. We set the surgery date and today I began the series of studies necessary to provide information to guide the rest of the way.

I'm not normally a calm, rational being. I'm emotional and one who rarely sees the positive side of things. But this has brought out a part of me that's been hidden away, waiting I suppose, for something of this magnitude to emerge.

I'm not crying myself to sleep. I'm not wringing my hands and saying "Woe is me!" I'm taking this one day at a time, one test at a time, until the 29th. Since I can't control any of it, I have no tasks assigned to myself. I'm not terrified; I'm scared of the surgery and its aftermath, but that's a way off yet, so until I have to, I'm shutting it in a corner room with the door firmly shut. 

Call it denial. Call it whatever works for you. I intend to go on with my life, root for the Phillies to win the World Series, prepare for Thanksgiving with my daughter and grandchildren and know that, four days later, the hospital will call and tell me when to show up on Tuesday to meet Dr. Deger again. Until that call comes, I don't want to concentrate on all the possibilities that lie ahead.

That's what works for me. 


The story about a Christmas card

 

November 2, 2022

The following two blog posts never saw the light of day. I wrote them and then didn’t do anything with them. So I’m putting them up now. Just to be sure they’re included.

 December 4, 2019

I wrote the blog post below four years ago to celebrate an unusual tradition. It’s my turn to wait this year to find the treasured Christmas card in my mailbox.

When I read the message and telepathically send my love to its sender, I will squirrel it away somewhere easy to remember (nothing worse than hiding something so well I forget where I put it!) until next year when it's my turn to ponder over a single line of greeting, jot it down and send the card back. Who knew way back then that this lovely ritual would endure for so many years?

December 8, 2015

It is 33 years old this year.

When I bought it in 1982, Hallmark charged 75 cents for it. Today it would cost four dollars or more.

 There's nothing that noteworthy about the card... a guy with a Santa hat and red bowtie in red elf slippers with bells on them, flinging his arms open wide, saying, “Merry Christmas to a really wonderful, witty, charming, intelligent person!”

 Inside, it reads, “Save this card! You can send it to me next Christmas!”

 I sent it, way back then, to Michael DeNardo, a young Temple University student whom I'd followed during his years at Edgewood Regional High in Winslow. Mike was studying to become a radio broadcaster, which he did most successfully. His voice still can be heard on KYW news radio.

 In 1983, much to my surprise, the card reappeared, returned by Mike as a typical joke.

 I saved it, and sent it back to him in 1984.

 Each year, as it traversed from wherever I was living to wherever Mike was, we appended a one-line comment by way of greeting.

 Gradually, we ran out of space inside the card (even writing sideways one year). So we graduated to the back from 2004 to 2012.

 That being filled by then, the following year, Mike inserted a plain white piece of card stock with the words, “This should carry us for a few more decades!”

 Today, December 8, 2015, the card arrived again. It was Mike's turn this year and he did not disappoint. He said, “Our card endures. It'll be eligible for Social Security soon!”

 The last time I saw him in person was at my 60th birthday party, 14 years ago. He looked like the teenage Mike I remembered and his infectious laugh hadn't faded.

 But whether we are able to meet or whether our only contact is the Christmas card, we know our friendship has given us a wonderful tradition.

 When the inevitable Christmas sadness settles on my heart at the absence of so many people I've loved and lost, I can look at the card Mike sends and get a boost of joy.

 Little blessings mean so much and Mike is always there to provide one of my favorites.

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

A dream visit to Italy

 I wrote this post back in 2017 when my daughters and I returned from a trip to Italy. Just found it languishing in my files and wanted to add it to the others posted here.

Of all the countries in the world, Italy has been the one I've longed to visit.

 As a child, I read about the ruins, the grandeur of the Forum and the horrors of the Colosseum. I saw Ben Hur nearly 20 times, not because of the story, but because I could see how the Romans lived, feel the atmosphere in their surroundings. I have been fascinated by Roman history as long as I can remember.

 So to be there, to be in Rome, was a dream I never thought to realize. Then I turned 70.

 My daughters, determined to make my special year even more so, arranged a trip of a lifetime for me. The three of us would spend six days, eight with travel, in Italy, wherever I wanted to go. I chose Naples because of its proximity to Pompeii and the Amalfi coast, and, of course, Rome. Terri, my firstborn, did the arranging and generously funded my portion of the trip. She found a travel agent, booked the excursions, the flights, train trips and hotel rooms. When we met Erica, Daughter #2, for the ride to the airport, everything was settled and in good order. I was going to Italy!!!

 Our flight left Philadelphia at 6:30 p.m. on Saturday, June 23rd. Never having flown for eight hours straight, I was unprepared for the experience. I could not sleep, although it was obviously a wise thing to do. So, when we arrived in Naples at 8:40 a.m. on Sunday, the 24th, I was already tired. We got lost several times trying to find our way out of the airport and into the train station in Rome and then again trying to find our train. Did I mention it was very hot?

 By about 4 p.m., we had arrived in Naples and caught a cab to the Hotel Mediterraneo. It was a beautiful old structure just a few blocks from the harbor, with spectacular views of Mt. Vesuvius. I had a slightly scratchy throat, but didn't pay it any mind as we had a gorgeous meal in the hotel dining room and then spent a few hours on the rooftop terrace before calling it a night.

 Monday morning, we were picked up by a tour company for a trip to Pompeii. My throat was quite sore by then, so I popped a lot of Tylenol and scarfed down one Ricola after another. Pompeii was not to be missed. It was everything I always dreamed it would be... a glimpse into a way of life brought to a sudden, catastrophic end by a violent eruption of Vesuvius, which buried the entire population beneath ash. Our tour guide, Loretta, kept everyone moving, but stopped appropriately to point out things we needed to see and to explain the history behind them. Our tour lasted three hours and then we went to lunch. At lunch, we met two young women whom we immediately took for Americans. Their English was colloquial and flawless. Turned out they were students and lived in Paris. Both spoke several languages and it struck us how woefully inadequate Americans are in their study of the rest of the world’s ways. Did I mention it was very, very hot?

 After lunch, we met our tour guide, Mario, for an air-conditioned mini-bus ride along the Amalfi coast. It was breathtakingly beautiful, and one of the few times in my life I can honestly say I envied someone with extreme wealth. The homes perched perilously high on the mountainsides, the cascading orchards of flowering trees, the terraced fruit groves, the ancient churches and the black beaches were more than I had ever anticipated. Mario kept up a steady stream of information, jokes and chatter as he negotiated the 194 s-curves along the route, leaving us white-knuckled and breathless. We stopped frequently for picture-taking and once in the ceramic factory so we could use their restroom and make purchases. Unfortunately, the constant motion of the bus didn’t sit well with Terri, who had bouts of motion sickness and wasn’t able to enjoy the trip 100%. Our day ended when he delivered us to our hotel at about 5.

 Taking the recommendation of one of the desk clerks, we walked a short distance to Alberto's for some genuine Neapolitan pizza and found far more to enjoy. The tiny restaurant served a low-cost bounty of Italian dishes. By then, my throat protested any intrusion by food or otherwise, but I managed a bit of dinner and immediate bedtime when we got back.

 On Tuesday, we walked to the harbor and boarded a ferry for the island of Capri, about a twenty-five minute ride across the Bay of Naples. The picturesque homes on hills, open air markets and cafes were just as I’d always imagined. There was a slight breeze off the water, and the girls were anxious to see the rest of the island, so we boarded a tour boat and sped off on the azure water. Mountains of limestone rocks rose from the ocean floor to dizzying heights and individual homes perched in crevasses along the shoreline. Here and there, a grotto cut into the limestone boasted swimmers from nearby yachts who dove in and out of the nearly green water. Although we had hoped to go into the Blue Grotto, by the time we arrived and joined at least ten other tour boats waiting for the same thing, the tide was too high and we were unable to go inside. We arrived back in the harbor at about 4. Erica and Terri dipped their toes into the sea, collected some beautiful stones from the rocky beach and we returned to Naples. By then, I had a slight fever and a very, very sore throat, not to mention a generous sunburn from my time on the water, sunscreen notwithstanding.

 We ended up back at Alberto’s for dinner. The staff remembered us from the previous evening and brought our choices of beverage. It was a bit cooler when we walked back to the hotel, a breeze drifting from the Bay.

 Wednesday was a travel day. The girls were up early, ready to go out and explore one last site. There was a beautiful museum we could see from our hotel, so they took the opportunity to visit. When they came back, we had lunch and took a cab to the train station for our ride back to Rome. The accommodations weren’t as luxurious as the ride down, but the train was comfortable and fast and we were in Rome by 5:30. We took a cab to our next destination, the Ambasciatori Palazzo, situated in the heart of Rome within walking distance of many famous sites, including the Spanish Steps and the Trevi Fountain. Our first night in Rome, the girls ate in a lovely, quiet restaurant on our street, Via Veneto. I was hot, tired and feeling terrible, so I hit the sack while the girls went out.

 We had a tour of the Vatican scheduled for Thursday morning, but I was simply not in any shape to go anywhere. So the girls arranged to move it to Saturday and they struck out on their own while I rested in the hotel. They came back with lunch and vivid descriptions of the places they’d found on their journey. In the afternoon, after being sure I was safely tucked into our room, they visited the Borghese Museum and brought back what photos they could take (no cameras allowed inside the museum) and glowing descriptions of the place. That evening, we walked down our street (literally, since the Via Veneto is a hill) to a beautiful restaurant which the girls had spotted on their walks. The food was beautifully presented and very, very good.

 There were a great many things I still wanted to see, some of which the girls had already experienced, so we decided to use the hotel’s concierge service and hire a car and driver to take us around the city to see the items on my list. Friday morning at 9, Dino arrived at the hotel in his air conditioned Mercedes and we began our tour. He was knowledgeable and found ways to allow us to leave the car and see the insides of some of the churches and monuments while he waited at the curb. Without this arrangement, I would have missed the Pantheon, the Church of St. Ignazio, the Spanish Steps (from both top and bottom), the pyramid, the oldest residence in Rome and a host of other things. While it was still blisteringly hot, being in an air-conditioned car made the experience enjoyable.

 At noon, we were back at the hotel and had lunch next door at the Hard Rock Café. I enjoyed my grilled chicken salad in spite of the difficulty swallowing it, but we had to rush through the lunch in order to meet our bus for the tour of the ancient ruins. The bus was not air conditioned, but the ride was short and soon we were at the gates of The Forum, so remarkably well preserved I could imagine the activities carried on there. About a quarter of the way into the tour, we came upon a lovely shaded area where a slight breeze blew, so I sent the girls on with the tour group and sat on a flat rock to wait for them. I couldn’t imagine climbing stairs and doing all the walking our guide had in mind. When the tour came back through the area, I rejoined the girls and we headed for the Colosseum. There was no way I could skip one second of that tour. It was extraordinary! We were permitted access into all areas, including the seats where the nobles watched the gladiators and slaves fight each other or the lions and tigers that were released from cages below the floor. Designed to be airy and to keep spectators comfortable, the Colosseum was downright breezy. We walked a short distance from there to the bus to return to our hotel. Once there, we showered and rested, then walked down the hill to a restaurant Dino had recommended. Despite the raw throat I had to swallow over, the food was delicious. Before we left, the maitre d gave us a complimentary bottle of sweet dessert wine and a bag of biscotti made on the premises. After we got back to the hotel, the girls headed out again, this time to the Piazza Navona where they took in the sights. Seems Rome really comes alive after nine p.m. and they wanted to get a taste of it. I was too wiped out to go with them and barely heard them when they got back.

 Saturday was the undoing of my trip, in spite of how much I’d anticipated the day. We were picked up at 7:45 for a short ride in a bumpy, rickety bus to Vatican City. When we arrived, we stood in a piazza in the sun while the tour guide arranged us, counted us and handed out audio sets with earbuds. We crossed the street, all 47 of us with one guide, and fell into a line of hundreds of people slowly snaking their way around the Vatican wall. There was little shade and soon many were wondering why we had purchased tickets that promised to bypass lines when we were clearly not bypassing anything. After about an hour, Terri went off by herself to see if there was any shade to be had and came back to report she’d found some… a set of steps around the corner from our line, from which we could rejoin the tour as it neared the entrance to the Vatican Museum. My paper parasol helped somewhat in keeping the direct sun away but it was still very, very hot. Finally, at about 11:45, we reached the entrance to the museum. We went through security and gathered with our guide to begin the trek through the various rooms that make up the museum. The crowd was huge; our guide’s narrative was often lost to static or the narrative of another guide on the same frequency, so much of what we saw was left to us to discover. The group was moving at a snail’s pace, shuffling along shoulder to shoulder in the non-air conditioned spaces. The girls suggested we leave the tour and go ahead to the Sistine Chapel where we could catch up with the group when they arrived there. So we tried to make our way a bit faster, edging along the sides of the crowds, trying to see some of the tapestries, mosaics and frescoes that filled the various rooms. Without a guide and being in such a press, we weren’t able to get a good sense of what we were viewing.

 Finally, the Sistine Chapel was in sight. We were herded with everyone else into the room, where we were urged to keep moving and indeed couldn’t do much else, since the crush of the crowd made it impossible to pause for a good view of the famed ceiling. I was struck by the size of the Chapel… only 45 feet wide by 190 feet long! In my imagination, the Chapel should have been a huge room, akin to a cathedral sanctuary, and the smallness of it was a true disappointment. Still, even that wasn’t to be examined thoroughly as the security guards kept us pushing onward toward the exit doors. At that point, I was hot, claustrophobic and exhausted. Wanting only to find some air and a tiny space free of people, the girls and I begged a guard to allow us to break free of the group and just sit for a few minutes. While the guard could see how ill I was, he wouldn’t let the girls cross into the area to which he led me and as he said he had to be careful about what he did for people who claimed to be ill because of the skepticism of other tourists who might also want to break free of the crowd. Finally, after about ten minutes, I felt well enough and really wanted to move on and out. We followed the guard’s directions and found ourselves lost in the gift shop and far removed from our tour group. We couldn’t find another tour group from the same company to notify our guide where we were, so we had to retrace our entire journey through the museum to a place where we could finally exit. When we finally stumbled into St. Peter’s Square, it was four o’clock and our tour bus was long gone. I was actually standing in St. Peter’s Square, which was a place I’d always wanted to see, but the cumulative effect of the entire horrible day took all the joy from the experience. We had missed the Basilica but were so exhausted and angry we really didn’t care. The girls pooled our last Euros and we took a cab back to the hotel. Too exhausted to do anything else, I asked the girls if we could just go next door to the Hard Rock Café again for dinner. I enjoyed the chicken salad, cold Coke and air-conditioned surroundings. When we got back to the room, we began packing for our trip home.

 I can’t say whether I was more disappointed or angrier over the Vatican visit. It seemed so thoughtless and mean-spirited for the guards to keep pushing everyone toward the exit of the Chapel. The fact that our tour guide didn’t take the route she said she was going to take and the fact that we took a wrong turn and totally missed any chance of hooking up with our group again contributed to my sense of having been cheated of something I had so hoped to enjoy. If ever I get the privilege of going back to Rome, I will skip the Vatican and fill my time with more enjoyable pursuits.

 The girls were up early Sunday morning (at 6 a.m.) to revisit the special places near the hotel and take photos without the crush of people in the way. When they got back, I was up and packing. We went to breakfast and rushed to meet our taxi when it arrived to take us to the airport. Again it was very hot. We were scheduled for an 11:50 flight home, so we planned to arrive at the airport by 9. Security was easy; lines were short. Our flight was on time and uneventful. My ears clogged up about ten minutes into the flight, giving me a headache, but I watched two very good movies to help speed the journey (The Iron Lady and Salmon Fishing in the Yemen) and rested.

 We landed in Philadelphia at 3:40 p.m. local time, about ten minutes early. I don’t know how many time zones we crossed, but the flight seemed to last forever. Again, security and customs were quick so we were able to go directly for our bags and to the terminal where Howard was waiting. Although we had e-mailed several times during the week, I had not told him how sick I really was so he wouldn’t worry. One look at me told him all he needed to know. We drove to Erica’s where we dropped the girls and came home. He’d planned a simple dinner, but I had no appetite and ended up going right to sleep.

 On Monday, I went to our family doctor and learned I’d been nourishing a sinus and throat infection all week. I was given an antibiotic and told it would take anywhere from a week to two for me to totally shake what I’d carried around. As I write this, it is a week later, Monday, July 9 and I am still not up to par. Lesson from all of this: 1. Travel to Italy in October; 2. Take an antibiotic along just in case; 3. Trust local medical people enough to consult a doctor abroad instead of suffering for a week.

 I’ve reflected on the trip a lot. Aside from my sheer gratitude to Terri for her generosity in funding it, I am very grateful to have had an opportunity I always dreamed of but never believed would actually come my way. I can close my eyes and see all the wonders we experienced while we were away and I know the images will always stay with me.